To all who feel the name Mama is written on your heart

To all who feel the name Mama is written on your heart, but have yet to hear it from the mouth of a child...

I am here for you. I know your pain. It is real and times like this it is raw. I have been where you are and I am trying my best daily to be thankful to God for guiding me through that valley. I believe that God will use that love in your heart for His glory. The hard part is that it will be on His terms in His time. I had to surrender to my belief in that and it was hard. I came to the realization that I might not conceive a child solely based on the fact that I was at the point in my life and my marriage that I believed I was ready. I also prayed and prayed about adoption, but I was not getting the answers I wanted there either. For me the crest of it all was deciding that if I was never called Mama on this side of Heaven I could be okay, I could live, I could have worth, I could love on all the children that God put in my path in whatever way He saw fit. Even if I lived a barren life on Earth  I believe that when I arrived in Heaven they would have to make more room in my tent for all of the children of God that I have loved, impacted, cherished, believed in, and prayed for.

Just know that I am praying hard for you! I pray that you will get your miracle! I pray that you will hear that sweet little voice someday soon calling out to you the name that has been written on your heart all along...Mama!

Love and prayers,
Brandi

The Arrival of Our Miracle

Our daughter was due on July 7, 2017. Seeing as we are both teachers when school let out in the first week of June we really kicked the planning into high gear. Within about two weeks we had everything done. Nursery ready, clothes washed, bags packed, last minute purchases made. As far as getting her here I wanted to have a natural birth and I had been researching it throughout the pregnancy. As it got closer I researched more and more and planned out to the point of a birth plan, flow chart, and notecards...can you tell I'm a teacher.

Well in the pattern that my life has always followed the more I planned the more God said let it go...My plan is better! (He was right He always is) Two weeks before the due date it would be okay for her to be born so I was ready. Then with each weekly appointment I got a little more nervous because we started talking more and more about induction. Without asking I assumed induction meant they would go straight to Pitocin and I knew that if they gave it to me all hope was lost for my natural birth (the hormones made me a little dramatic). As the week of my due date came I was trying every old wives  tale method to get her here before she was evicted. The Midwife had already told me that they would only let me go to 41 weeks. At 40 weeks I had to go in for a ultrasound to make sure that it was safe to keep waiting. Praise the Lord she passed all the tests so the waiting could continue. I was determined to walk this baby out. In the July heat I got up early every morning and walked; made Jake take me to a store in the afternoon so I could walk in the air-conditioning; when it cooled off a little in the evening I walked again. This is probably the most exercise I had gotten in quite some time. I was also get acupuncture with induction points daily to try to coax her out.

40 weeks and 4 days I had to another appointment and this time they said we would have to talk about induction. The Midwife that I was seeing was on call at the hospital so we had to wait for a long time. When they finally called me back they set me up for a non-stress test to check on baby and see if I was having any contractions. The machine tracks contractions and the baby's heart rate and you are supposed to push a button anytime she kicks or moves. I had not pushed the button more than maybe once. She wasn't moving, but she had kicked up a storm in the car and in the waiting room so I was trying not to freak out. My Midwife was still at the hospital so the other midwife came to check and she noticed that she wasn't moving as well. She had me drink some water and then she started pushing on my stomach and moving her all around. Luckily she responded well so she was just sleeping, but it did not seem like she was planning on coming out any time soon. I like this midwife as well, but she does not sugar coat anything so she just flat out said "Okay I'll go ahead and call the hospital to tell them we are going to induce you." Then she left the room. Thank goodness my Midwife showed up at that point and came in to talk to me. She told me that it really was the best option to go ahead and induce me that evening while she was on call and to get everything going before the weekend because I only had until Sunday. I felt okay about it and honestly I was kind of glad that it was out of my hands so I didn't have to make that decision. Also it meant we got a more clear timeline of we should see our baby by the next day! So I asked what did this mean and what was the plan for induction. She knew that I had been worried about Piton and she said that if they gave it to me now it wouldn't work because my body wasn't ready for it yet. We would start with Cervadil and give it 12 hours to get my body ready for Pitocin. Then go from there. She was going to call the hospital and they would let me know when they were ready for me to come in. She suggested we get something to eat and go home and rest.

So we left and grabbed some lunch. We called all of the family to update them. My sister started looking at flights from Colorado.  I was at peace. That was what I had prayed for before the appointment that God would let me be at peace with whatever happened and I was so I knew it was in His hands. The hospital called before we even made it home and told us to come in at 4. So we went home and Jake loaded all of our (ready and waiting for a month) bags. Then we laid down and tried to take a nap, but really this was 100x more exciting than the night before Christmas. We were going to meet our baby soon!

We headed to the hospital in plenty of time so we didn't have to rush. Poor Jake had timed the fastest routes and we didn't even need to break the speed limit. During the check-in paperwork I kept thinking thank goodness I'm not in labor this would be awful! When we got in the room Jake gave the nurse our birth plan. He told her obviously we wrote it before we knew I would be induced. I told her that clearly we were flexible on the plan so on the white board for my birth plan she wrote "Natural-ish"(which all of the other nurses got quite a chuckle about). I got in the room and then my Midwife came and started the Cervadil by 4:45. I asked if I could still be up and walking around to try to help things along. She said that I should be still for 2 hours for the medicine to work its best. I did my best to move a little as possible for the next 2 hours. The nurse kept telling me that I was allowed to move. When she came back after the 2 hours to check on me I asked if I could go to the bathroom (because I had been holding it for 2 hours). The clock was on I had until 4:45 Friday morning for labor to start on its own. I asked to use the wireless monitor so that I could still be up and walking around. Jake and I tried to walk the halls, but I kept jiggling the monitors loose and nurses would come down the hall to check on us and re-adjust the monitors every time.

The monitors showed us my contractions and baby's heart rate. We were so excited that it started showing I was having some contractions. When the nurse came back Jake told her I was having pretty regular contractions and handling them really well. We were so surprised when she told us that was the monitor for her other patient, we had been watching the wrong screen! Jake had been asking me about the contractions all along, but I was convinced that I was having them because the monitor showed it haha. I told her to tell the other patient that we were very proud of her and she was doing a great job!

We tried to settle down and get some sleep, but after just a few hours I started actually having regular contractions. Around midnight we decided sleep wasn't going to happen so Jake got up to help me make it through the contractions. We walked around, but stayed in the room so that I wouldn't mess up the monitors. I leaned against one of the cabinets while Jake rubbed my back. I also spent a lot of time in the rocking chair. Poor Jake he could hardly reach my back from that angle and he would need to apply pressure for long stretches while I was having contractions. He will probably have lasting carpeltunnel from this. 

At 4:15 I was back in the bed and all the sudden I said "Jake either my water just broke or I peed the bed, I'm not sure which!" He went to get a nurse and when she came in she said, "I hear your water broke." I said, "He was supposed to tell you or I peed the bed because I'm not sure which." She said, "Well do you want me to check and see how dilated you are?" She did and I was a 4 or 5. I was just so glad not to be a 1 anymore since I had been stuck there for weeks! 

The nurses said I could take a shower and eat breakfast and then we would probably start the Pitocin after that. They set up my IV to start the antibiotics for Strep B and said I could shower as long as I kept my arm down. I went to use the bathroom first and the nurse said, "Just in case you were to feel the urge to push or like you really needed to poop. Don't push and come get us immediately." Jake helped me in the shower, but my contractions were getting stronger and stronger, one on top of the next. When the next wave came I instantly regretted getting in the shower and had to squat down to make it through the contraction. I said Jake I really don't need to be this clean I give up on the shower. He so sweetly tried to wash me off as quickly as he could. Then he helped me dry off and make it back to bed. As soon as I sat on the edge of the bed I felt the urge to push. He went for the nurses. When she came in she asked if I wanted her to check me again. In 15 minutes I had made it to a 9 and it was almost time to push!

Since it was not expected for me to progress that quickly everyone had gone different directions to take their breaks and do other things. The nurse told me not to push yet, to which I responded, "How do I not push?" She told me to pant so that is what I did while they gathered the team and went to wake up the Midwife. Thank goodness she sleeps at the hospital when she is on call! People kept coming and going and as new faces joined us I tried to greet them and tell them thank you for being here. They kept laughing at me and saying how are you smiling at a 9? I promise I was not laughing and smiling the whole time. During contractions I kept my eyes closed and just focused through it. The Midwife came and checked me again and said she was going to get her coffee and then I should be ready to push. Sure enough when she came back it was go time! I struggled a little with the breathing techniques while I pushed so I started hyperventilating a little. Jake was amazing! Between contractions I could hear him doing the deep breathing so that I could try to sync up with him.

I only got upset a handful of times. One of the nurses tried to show me a different way to hold my legs and I shouted during the contraction, "No, I already tried that I don't like it!" As soon as the contraction was over I apologized. Then the Midwife tried to tell me I need to breath differently. During that contraction I shouted, "I don't understand what you are telling me to do!" Again I apologized as soon as the contraction ended. I felt my energy really starting to fade and I just didn't know if I had enough strength to finish. So I asked "How much longer do you think it will be? I don't think I have much left in me." The Midwife said if you keep up at this pace you should have your baby by 6:30. Near the end they put an oxygen mask on me, which was terrible because it was fogging up and sliding all over the place so I shouted one more time, "Get this thing off of me!" The closer we got the less I opened my eyes because I needed all of my focus to keep this up. I did not realize that she had made it all the way out until they laid her on my chest. Then I opened my eyes just stunned "Jake it's our baby! We did it! We have a baby!" She was born at 6:36 so I'll give it to the Midwife she was pretty close.

As each person after congratulated me and told me what a great job I had done I felt more and more odd about it. By about the third person I realized why...it was not my doing. So from that point on I had my response it was not me... it was God! He gave me the strength and He brought Juniper Rose Pendergraft into this world just the way He planned it!

How we got here...

As I am not at all patiently waiting on the arrival of our daughter (4 days past due), I thought maybe I should take a step back and document how we got here.

We tried to conceive as naturally as possible for over two years. I was worried before we even started trying because I had been told several times that I had fibroids, but it wasn't a big deal until now. So to try to start off on the right foot we wanted to get that checks out first since it had been several years since my last update. I dreaded that appointment so much! I thought that they would just say nope no way you can get pregnant and slam the door in my face. I got there ridiculously early and had a good breakdown in the parking lot, but I was able to give it over to the Lord and I felt so much better walking in to the appointment. Then I go in for the ultrasound and they woman says, "So what are we here for?" I said, " Well we are getting ready to start trying for a baby and I have had fibroids in the past so we wanted to check on that." She said, " Well if you had them then you still do because they don't just go away." ... Thanks for the incredible bed side manner, lady! I nearly melted into a puddle of tears and then she starts the ultrasound. NO FIBROIDS!!! Well they don't just go away usually, but my God can do all things! I felt like this was part 1 of our miracle journey and I should be pregnant within days! 

To my dismay I did not get pregnant that month or the next month or the next month. The doctors said that it's not any concern until it's been at least a year. So after a year I ended up going to a new practice that I researched because one of their doctors did a lot of work with holistic and natural approaches to infertility. We started off with testing for Jake and myself and everything came back clear for both of us which was great, but also frustrating. It meant that there wasn't a set do this and then you will get pregnant which just continued to push me to give the plan to God. So I started off with some vitamin supplements and trying to eat healthier and limit dairy. I also started charting to try to pinpoint when and if I was ovulating. Then after three more months I took my meticulous color coded shares back to the doctor. Continuing  with the pattern of how things had been going my charts were inconclusive maybe I was ovulating maybe I wasn't. So next steps I tried to completely eliminate dairy from my diet and I started going to a chiropractor and getting accupuncture.

In the beginning I was nervous about getting my back cracked and getting needles stabbed in me. After the first appointment I was hooked on both. God had sent me the perfect Doctors! Both of these ladies were completely on board with my mission to get pregnant, but both admitted that they knew that they had no real control of the situation because it would be up to God. I loved them! Honestly it helped me to de-stress just being able to go talk to them each once a week and afterwards I was able to take the most restful naps during my treatments. It helped me to make it through a very difficult year, again God knew what I would stand in need of and had already put a plan in place.

I continued on with all of this for about 9 more months. Off and on through all of this God kept working in my heart. It kept rolling with me that I needed to know it would be okay if I didn't get pregnant. I wasn't ready to give up trying yet and I didn't think He was telling me to. First it was adoption, I have always thought I would like to adopt at some point. It didn't seem like God was saying it was time for that yet either. What I really struggled with was the idea that I would not have children at all, I would not be a mother. Through several bible studies and a wonderful hook that I was reading I came across scripture that healed my heart. God spoke if a woman that was barren on Earth, but in heaven she had so many children that they had to make her tent bigger and bigger to hold them all. These were her spiritual children all of those that she had loved, cared for, and prayed for on Earth. That was my answer, that was how I could be a mother no matter what. I would just do my best to love, care, and pray for all of the children that God brought into to my life. I felt at peace, but still didn't feel like He was telling us to give up on trying to get pregnant.

Another year had passed at this point so I went back to the doctor. This time I asked what would be the next option thinking that it would jump immediately to IVF (no offense to those that have had miracle babies with the help of IUI or IVF, but I was not ready for that yet). She laid it out for me and there were several options we could try before we got there. She prescribed a medicine, but told me depending on insurance it may be expensive and if it was too much there was an alternative. I dropped off the prescription, but then I started researching and got myself good and worried about every side effect it had to offer. I went to pick it up from the pharmacy half hoping that it would be too expensive to even consider. I told the pharmasict that I wanted to check the price because I wasn't sure about the drug...it was less than ten dollars. So I picked it up still not certain I would take it. Thankfully you had to start at a certain point in your cycle and I had missed the window so I had until the next go round to decide if I was going to take it. Low and behold before I could start it the next cycle I got my first ever positive pregnancy test!

Maybe Father's Day

So this past weekend was Mother's Day and I was dreading it. Doesn't that sound awful! For someone who has been ttc for almost a year and a half though I honestly was. I actually refused to go to a family function. Now on my behalf I did end up having a lot of work to do...but I planned on not going ahead of time. I was just so nervous that somebody would lovingly tell me in one way or another that they can't wait for me to have a baby. This sounds like such an innocent and kind thing to say, but the thought of it is enough to bring me to tears. I have tried to think through a list of do's and don'ts for polite conversation with somebody that may be ttc and really if you get me at a bad time everything is off limits so that's really not fair.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster for going on 17 months. Sometimes I can give all of the stress and worry over to the Lord and truly relax knowing that He is taking care of it how He sees fit, in His timing, and it will be AMAZING. Other times I am a complete ball of nerves and I cry about everything. There is a fine line for me between optimistically planning, placing my hope and trust in the Lord or obsessively worrying myself to death. 

One thing that I really enjoy optimistically planning is my pregnancy announcement especially around holidays. We're talking I could plan an announcement for any holiday including the biggies like Christmas and Thanksgiving all the way down to Groundhog Day, Arbor Day, Boxing Day, etc. Soon course I had thought about the what if I'm pregnant by Mother's Day scenario, but alas not yet so maybe Father's Day.

#SheSharesTruth

SheReadsTruth has started something new this week and they are calling it #SheSharesTruth where we the readers are being called upon to share our many different views.  Each week we will be given some scripture to study and then on Friday we will all share our thoughts and insights. I have so enjoyed being a part of the SheReadsTruth community of sisters building each other up and growing in our faith! Now I want to be able to put something back in because I have gotten so much out of it. So with no further a due I give you my first attempt at...

This weeks scripture was Psalm 130. 
I think this scripture can speak to everyone because it begins "Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord". We have all been there we have all had despair, we have all had the lows that feel like rock bottom, we have had times when we just did not feel worthy. Then the Psalmist writes " Lord, hear my voice; let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications." If we can follow his advice in these times... When nothing and no one can help call out to God. He will hear you! He will answer your prayers (not always the way we want or when we want). If we can use the trouble of life to bring us closer to God then they are all well worth it! 
"If thou, Lord shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand" If God was keep score we would never be able to approach Him with our sin-stained hearts. "But there is forgiveness with thee..." Thank you Lord for true forgiveness! Thank you for hearing us crying out from the depths of sin and lifting us out and never looking back. Lord it is my prayer that you will let us forgive others the way that you have forgiven us Lord. Forgive in a way that past iniquities no longer linger, but are completely wiped from our minds.

Because you are so great God and because you have used our despair and troubles to bring us closer to you... Lord we praise you! "My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning" and this Psalmist really meant it because then he repeats "I say, more than they that watch for the morning." When we can truly embrace this we are saying that we are longing for you, Lord more than anything. We long for you more than the sun. God we long for you!  If You let us wake in the morning our souls will long for you before coffee! haha (our bodies might feel differently)


Ok so I may have wandered, but there you go.

Five for Friday

I'm linking up with Five for Friday from the good life blog today. This is my first time linking up so here goes nothing...

~ONE~

I have been loving She Reads Truth study of women in the bible. This study has been great for me. I needed a change and I like that I can do it on my own without having to find a bible study group, but at the same through all of the comments I get to benefit from other people's perspective.  This is a quote from day 10 and a picture from my adventure that I will tell you about next...

~TWO~

My hubby is the best. I have been trying to run daily to help bring down my cholesterol so that I don't have to go on medicine for it (will see how that works in about another month). Well we were house sitting this week and my run was much more hilly than I'm used it so after the first day I was already hurting. So that I wouldn't feel bad for not running he took me on a hike. We went up on Pigeon Mountain and it was beautiful! This was Jake near the top and the picture before is from a waterfall past these big climbing rocks.

~THREE~

 When we go to the beautiful look off I realized that I have developed... A FEAR OF HEIGHTS!!!
Notice my picture doesn't look near as good as hubs. I had to edge my way over, sit down on the rock, and my eyes are closed. I swear I don't remember having a fear of heights before.

~FOUR~

On the school front I liked this idea for a portable word wall from The First Grade Princess so I made one to match my jungle theme. I love that the kids can take the words to their seat to use in their writing and because each letter booklet is made up of index cards it will be easy to add to. Yay for words!

(Mine look like this and are color coded for vowels and consonants. I'm very proud!)

~FIVE~

While running this week I was attacked by bugs! I got five of the most killer bug bites that appeared over two days. I tried everything and they still aren't gone. I will not show you a picture because they look gross and one is precariously close to my bikini line (how in the world that happened without me noticing I will never know). I'm talking these look crazy enough that if they aren't better by next week I think I will have to go to the doctor.

Made it through one adventure and on to the next!!!

I have been on a whirlwind lately! Many prayers have been answered in ways that were unexpectedly perfect...as always! Good one God!

Ok I started to tell you all the details, but really all that you need to know is that every time I thought I had figured out how it would all work out I got rug pulled out from under me. I was like that person that finds a dollar on the street and you get so happy and then when you reach down to pick it up somebody pulls it away and I kept chasing dollars down the road and they kept getting pulled away from me. I knew that it was God pulling these jobs away from me and that there was definitely a reason, but at the same time it's hard to follow when you don't know the destination.  Well I struggled, but I tried my best to stay faithful knowing that if I kept on following one dollar after another God was leading me to something bigger and better!

I finally got a hold of my dollar in the form of a Pre-K lead teacher position at Canton Elementary School. I am so excited! This is would not have been my first choice, but the way the God has lead me to it I am certain that this is where I am meant to be for next year. I cannot wait to see what blessings, challenges, love, learning, friendships, hardships, and surprises there will be!

I am still sad to be leaving the home that I have made this year, but I am so thankful for all that I have learned. Most of all I learned to trust God's plan is better than mine. I knew it, but this year I learned to believe it! My plan was to go straight in to a teaching position as soon as I graduated. However, His plan was to spend this year as a para pro. I thought that was God's way of saying that I wasn't ready to be a teacher and I was very frustrated that He was making me take these baby steps. I was wrong...God knew I was ready, but He wasn't. He still had more blessings to shower me with. I got to work with the best people and the best students this year! I was able to work with the most Godly uplifting women that daily without even knowing it helped me grow. They brought me closer to God, closer to my husband, and closer to the wonderful children that we worked with. They helped make me a better woman, Christian, wife, and teacher! The students I worked with further confirmed that I am ready to teach and that it is what I am meant to do. I cannot even explain how much I have loved these kids!

This year has given me the faith to know that next year will be equally amazing!